Figuring this Out
by timelordangel
Summary: Teenager AU where the Fantastic Foursome are growing up in a boarding house and you never quite know what's going to happen- especially when a dark haired boy moves in and Dan doesn't know what to think. Eventual Phan!
1. Dorm Rooms and Welcomes

Saint Peter's Children's Home. Safe, comforting, but mostly boring. You see my name is Daniel James Howell, and I've been here since I was seven years old. There are two rooms for the children here- one for the boys and one for the girls. The first room when you turn right at the top of the stairs is for the boys. The door always squeaks when it opens, and the walls are a faded blue colour. The room itself has four beds, two against the left wall with a window separating them, and two against the right with a bookshelf as the divider.

At the end of the room there is a toy chest half filled with playthings which we've all outgrown. The 'we' I refer to are the three boys, including myself which occupy this space. The first bed on the left is 17 and he's called PJ. He's got brown curly hair and the most amazing eyes, although it all seems to make him a bit mysterious. He's the newest, and the shyest of everyone who has passed through. The kid only likes to be known as PJ, he won't tell anyone his real name and he keeps his nose buried in this notebook, so I just try and leave him alone.

The bed across from him on the right is 15, and his name is Chris. Chris is my best friend. He's got brown hair and loves to tell stories, and cause trouble. The bed beside him on the right is my bed. I'm 16, and Tavy says I get my brown hair and eyes from my mum, but I barely remember her. I basically run this place, and everyone knows it. The bed across from mine is empty and I hope to keep it this way. If there is one thing you get sick of in this place, it's losing people.

And then there is Tavy. She's a stout lady of about 35 with wild curly hair and rosy cheeks. Tavy is our housekeeper of sorts- basically she deals with the boys of the house. I would tell you more about the girls, but I don't know much about them. Sometimes PJ comments on them, telling about how beautiful one he saw in the hall was. I can't bring myself to care. Chris seems to think they all fancy us. Tavy doesn't like Chris very much, for good reason mind you. Pranks keep the boy entertained, and most of them are aimed at her if they aren't aimed at PJ or me.

It was early on a Saturday when Tavy burst into our room, the sunlight streaming in as she pulled back the curtains.

"Rise and shine boys!" She laughed, bopping PJ on the head. He groaned softly and retreated under his duvet, blocking out the sunlight. Chris moaned and rolled over.

"Morning Ms. Tavy." I yawned as she straightened up the rocking chair in the corner by the door. I was in a white t-shirt and boxers, much like the other two.

"You boys better start getting ready, you've got a friend coming!" She smiled as she stood by the door, "I want this room nice and tidy and all of you dressed by ten 'till!"

The three of us mumbled an 'okay' as Tavy skipped out and shut the door behind her. I glanced at the pocket watch I had from my dad- the last thing I had from him. The time was 15 minutes after seven. Immediately my brain wondered why we weren't up at eight like normal. Who was this 'friend' Tavy was referring to in the first place?

"Hey guys?" I said as I sat up in bed.

"Yeah?" Chris followed suit. PJ just slid out of bed from across the room.

"I think we're getting another housemate today." I announced, my voice a bit sore from sleep as my bare feet hit the wooden floor.

"Woah woah woah, I don't want anyone else." Chris scowled as he pulled clothes out of the small wardrobe.

"And you think I do?" I sighed. I didn't expect PJ to contribute to this conversation- I figured a new room share would just be one more person to ignore.

"Whatever- let's just hope he's not a freak." Chris said as he grabbed his toothbrush and exited, heading for the bathroom at the end of the hall.

Sound was absent between us until eight, when we heard a prompt knocking on the door a floor below. We all immediately dropped to our knees and pressed our ears to the wood.

"Why hello Philip!" We heard Mrs. Darby (the woman of the household) greet the guest.

"Philip, hello. We are pleased to have you." Mr. Darby chimed in afterword.

The new boy's voice was too soft to hear, despite our efforts, along with the following conversation. When we heard the stairs creak we all put on faux smiles and stood near our beds. The door opened moments later, the Darby's entering first soon followed by Ms. Tavy, a frail woman with frown lines and short blond hair after her, and last was a boy similar in appearance to me but with black hair and piercing blue eyes. His skin was pale and his clothes were simple, but he had something about him.

"Hi, I'm Dan." I found myself saying after a quick introduction from the adults.

"I'm Phil. Nice to meet you." The boy seemed to be saying that out of politeness, his eyes shifting around the room as if surveying a prison cell.

"I'm Chris, and that's Peej. Boy don't talk much, just warning ya." Chris nodded towards Peej, who was standing by the window with his arms crossed but his eyes examining Phil.

"Oh. Hi. I assume that's my bed?" Phil looked towards the bed across from mine.

"You're a smart one." I smirked friendlily, watching as the black haired boy grabbed his trunk and pulled it over to the small bed.

He had a ghost of a smile before he went to work unpacking. I sat cross-legged on my bed and watched him. I memorized the way his hands organized things and pulled open drawers, how his eyes squinted ever so slightly when he contemplated what to do with something. It was rather entertaining if I do say so myself.

By noon he was all set up and the lunch bell rang. We all sat on the left side, the girls on the right. Phil sat by me, across from a girl called Carrie. Once Chris said he thought Carrie fancied me, but I knew she fancied a boy called Alex who left a while ago. And that ends my knowledge of Carrie Fletcher.

Phil stayed silent during lunch, not eating much and trying to avoid conversations. I kept my eye on him, fighting with my mind on trying to befriend him. Afterword we all went out into the garden for sports and I found him sat alone beside a fountain in the courtyard, his arms wrapped around his knees. I sat beside him awkwardly, not sure what to say.

"Hi Dan." He spoke first as he turned and raised his eyebrows at me.

"Um hey Phil. How's it going?"

"This place seems nice. They all do." His words were soft but there was something hiding behind them, a terrified voice perhaps or maybe it was just deep seated hatred for everything do to with these homes.

"I've only been in one." The words seemed to flow automatically.

"You're lucky then. I've been in five."

"Five? Well you're here now. And you can't get better than Tav-"

"I'll leave soon enough." Phil spoke again, his voice calmer and nicer than the words he spoke.

"How old are you?" I asked again, not trying to get absorbed in his odd sadness.

"Sixteen. And you?" He answered.

"Same. PJ is one year older is Chris is one year younger," I paused when I noticed he wasn't really listening, "We're about to go inside. Come on now." I stood and waited for him to follow suit.

That night I lied awake for a while after lights out. I listened to the steady breathing of now three other people, and watched the dust dance in the beams of moonlight streaking in from the the curtains. I heard the occasional creek from the floorboards below and beside us, along with the lonely sound of owls calling in the distance.

I thought about Phil a lot too. My mind was trying to figure out this quiet boy with jet black hair who seemed so sad and so happy at the same time. I sighed deeply in the almost-darkness before closing my eyes and pulling the covers up.

It wasn't until the second week that something worth telling happened. Chris and I were returning to the room after our showers when we were stopped by the sound of PJ and laughing. They both looked up as we entered, but neither paid us much mind.

"Okay now what's an Owl's favourite subject?" Phil bit back a laugh as PJ licked his lips and paused.

"I have absolutely no idea. What?" The latter gave up with a laugh.

"Owlgebra!" Phil giggled the punchline as PJ broke into laughter.

"This flirting is sickening." Chris mumbled under his breath as he grabbed his comic books and fell on his bed.

I didn't say anything, mostly because it was nice to see PJ happy; however it did hurt a little that Phil had wanted to socialize with PJ and not with me. By ten o'clock they had stopped talking and Phil had gone back to his respective bed. By ten thirty they were both fast asleep. By eleven o'clock I was still awake, barely able to hear the church bells down the street through the walls.

We all had school books and lessons, just in the comfort of our room. Our tutor would come in on Mondays and Wednesdays and teach us, and Tavy would fill in the rest of the week. Chris loved lessons, he loved to learn and read. PJ however seemed to only want to hold pencils he was allowed to draw with. I didn't mind them too much, but I wasn't the most clever in lessons. Tavy would always tell me, "The world needs firefighters too!" And one day I realized what she meant by that.

Phil seemed better at maths. It was almost frustrating how little time he would spend on equations, what he could accomplish in half an hour took me three. It wasn't until one night when he saw me almost in tears a little after lights out, still struggling with geometry, when he spoke directly to me.

"Need some help?" Phil stood in front of my bed, his hair messed across his forehead and his voice soft. He had on glasses as well.

"I can manage." I sniffled, feeling humiliated and defeated.

"I finished that ages ago. Are you sure you're alright?" He leaned over and looked at my paper. I pulled it back.

"Of course I'm fine! Not everyone can be fantastic at this stupid freaking subject, okay? Leave me alone Phil." I snapped, all patience drained out of my body as my frustration combined with exhaustion.

"Okay then, whatever. Goodnight." Phil sounded a bit hurt but went back to his own bed.

That night I had night terrors for the first time in a long time. I woke up in a cold sweat with my duvet on the floor and Chris sat on the end of my bed.

"Dan. Dan wake up." He whispered, his hand on my shoulder.

"Chris?" My voice came out a scratchy whimper.

"Are you okay?" Chris soothed. He had been there when everyone else was leaving. When these nightmares began.

"Yeah. Yeah sorry I'm fine." My voice was shaking a little. All I wanted was to ask Chris to say with me, give me somebody to hold. But I couldn't do that.

"Alright, let me know if you need anything. Goodnight mate." Chris padded back to his bed and I was alone again. Although as I lay in silence once again I noticed only one person breathing steadily. Three of us were awake, one of us just wasn't saying anything. Seconds later a tiny piece of paper hit my face. In scratchy dark handwriting there were three words, "Are you okay?" I grabbed a pen off my side table and scrawled back "Yep." And tossed it back across the room. Fifteen minutes late there were three sets of lungs evenly breathing in the room. I tried to sleep.


	2. Lakes and Night Terrors

Three days later Tavy announced our annual lake day trip. All the children would be taken to the lake for the day with sandwiches and water bottles. The boys would arguably declare this the highlight of summer holiday, while the girls would whine about the heat and talk about nails. Phil just seemed terrified.

"I can't wait!" Chris announced with a grin, "Thinking about catching some toads this year again."

"Because the Darby's loved that last year." PJ said quietly, his voice tainted with sarcasm.

"Come on, it was a laugh to see them squirm!" Chris added in a heavy faux Scottish accent that seemed to come out of nowhere. I looked up from my notebook to see Phil eyeing Chris funny.

"The accents are his thing. He's got like 40 of them." I added helpfully, nodding towards Chris.

"Don't worry about not ever hearing them, he shows us every year on the way to the lake." PJ smirked.

Phil didn't say anything as he bit his bottom lip. I glanced over him worriedly.

"You alright?" Chris beat me to the chase with his bluntness, "You look a bit funny."

"I'm fine, sorry." Phil's eyes went from scared to sad in two seconds, silencing the rest of us. "I just don't like water so much."

"You can't swim? I could teach you." I offered.

"No thanks." Phil replied bluntly.

PJ and Chris ignored us, the former's eyes focused on his sketchbook, the latter immersed in a comic.

"Why not?" I pressed.

"I said I don't like water. Now drop it." Phil's voice was colder than I had ever heard it since he arrived.

I said nothing else, leaving him alone.

The morning of the lake trip came quickly. Everyone sat at breakfast, Phil by me on the far left, and Chris and Peej to my right. Phil and I hadn't spoken much since the incident, but he hadn't be hostile.

* * *

"Grab your stuff boys!" Tavy called as we all ran down the stairs, carrying towels and wearing sandals, and out the front door. "Into the bus!"

We all loaded into the beat up metal bus and I sat by the window in an empty seat. When Phil got on the space beside me was the only one left.

"Can I sit here?" He spoke softly, as if he was afraid.

"Yeah." I scooted over unnecessarily. He sat down and stared ahead, his eyes focused on the windshield. I looked him over before resting against the window and trying to forget about him. I found myself uncomfortable here, as if I felt inferior to him. He seemed to catch the attention of everybody, with his dark hair and piercing eyes. He was beautiful, smart, and likeable. Three things I never have been.

"I'm a bit bored." He said halfway through my silent musings. I turned towards him.

"We could talk?" I offered.

"Okay. What about?"

"You could tell me about your life. Why you're here." I suggested, dying to know more about Philip Lester.

"Okay. Well I was born in Wales when my mother was 19. When I was five she got married to a sailor, and when I was seven she died of pneumonia and he was left to take care of me. Immediately we left Wales for England, first Leeds and now here. He sent me to a boarding school, and eventually he took me out because I became depressed when I was ten. One year later he remarried and put me in a series of boarding schools, threating me to stay happy. And now the only family I have left are my aunt and my uncle and the boy they've adopted in America."

"Wow. What about your dad and his wife? Aren't they your family?"

"Hell no. I despise both of them." Hatred saturated his words, "I've been saving up the best I can to go to America."

Suddenly I felt a pang in my heart, the thought of this boy I barely knew and could hardly say we're friends leaving somehow hurt me. And I didn't know why.

"Anyway enough of me, what's your story?" Phil raised his eyebrows and waited. I obliged.

"I was born in the north, and my dad cheated on my mum. She left him and moved straight to London. When I was seven she couldn't afford to take care of me anymore and left me here. Apparently she knew Tavy well. And here I've been ever since." I paused, "Not much of a story, sorry. If you want one go ask Chris- he changes his every time!" I finished with a small laugh.

"It's a better story than mine." Phil said softly. I stayed silent.

"They seem to be getting on pretty well." PJ commented from beside Chris.

"Yeah really! I wonder what it is they're going on about." Chris added, his eyes locked on the pair two seats ahead.

"I don't really care, as long as they're not shouting." PJ mumbled.

"Story of your life more like it." Chris whispered.

The bus pulled onto the gravel road as the lake approached. The water shimmed in the sunlight as the wind whipped the branches dangling above the water. Two picnic tables tarnished with time sat on the grass by the lakeside, the checkered table cloths a familiar sight. The girls stepped off the bus first, dropping their bags on the first table and beginning to rub sun lotion on themselves.

The boys, however, took to running off the bus and stripping on their way to the water, myself included. My shirt and sandals were somewhere ten feet back on the ground as I leapt off a rock and cannonballed into the cool water. Chris followed mere seconds after and PJ took a bit more care with his clothes before following as well. The only thing missing was a fourth splash.

"You coming emo boy?" Chris called from the water, his hair plastered to his face and his eyes squinting in the sun. Phil looked down into the water.

"Nope. Have fun." He said mater-of-factly as he walked away. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Wait Phil!" I shouted as I scrambled out of the water. I began walking alongside him, dripping wet while he was still clothed.

"Please let me show you how." I gave him my best pleading eyes, "It's really fun, and it's hot out here."

"Thanks but it's not something I'm interested in." He brushed me off, heading towards the table with a book.

"Please?" I gave him once last begging glance. He sighed.

"Then let me help you," He smiled, "With maths."

* * *

"Just move your arms like this." I demonstrated as Phil watched with weary eyes, his hair still dry.

"O-okay." He gently moved his limbs in the waist-deep water.

"Good! Now just keep that up." I commanded, watching over him.

"This is humilatling."

"I know."

"Can I get out now."

"Nope."

Within half an hour he was stable enough to half-float half-swim over to the other shallow area with Chris and Peej.

"Ah the vampire knows how to swim." Chris remarked with a grin, "Ah don't look so hurt, it's all in good fun!"

"Hey Chris?" I pulled Chris off to the side in the shallow water.

"Yeah?"

"Could you lay off the jokes? He's not quite used to you yet." I explained. He smirked.

"Protecting your precious puppy?"

"Chris seriously I don't want him to hate us." I pleaded. It was like arguing with a brick wall.

"No, you don't want him to hate you," He paused, "What's up anyway? You didn't care this much about PJ when he came."

"I dunno. There's just something about him." I trailed off, glancing over at Phil. He was staring at the water where he could touch the sandy bottom below. His hair fell down and covered his eyes but his neck was clearly exposed, leading down to nice arms and a lovely collar bone. Not-quite-there abs had water trailing down them and pooling at the start of a defined v-

"Dan!" Chris half-shouted as he splashed me with water.

"W-what?" I spun around, kicking up sand under the water.

"It's kind of obvious you know." Chris smirked, "Never thought it of you though."

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Oh come on!" He laughed, his mouth half open, "We're best friends and you thought I wouldn't notice?"

I had no idea what he was going on about. With Chris this wasn't uncommon per say, but I had a feeling this is something I should know.

"I'm leaving." I mumbled, not wanting to play games right now. I heard him call after me but ignored it. In front of me I saw PJ on land, talking to Lex- the only girl who was friends with a boy at Saint Peters'. To my left by the shore stood Phil, who was now picking up shells from the water.

"Hey." I walked up, the water knee-deep. Phil looked up.

"Hi." His eyes had a sparkle in the sunlight.

"Found anything cool yet?" I murmured, staring at the water.

"A bottlecap and a couple shells." He replied warmly.

"I think we're leaving soon. Care to talk on the way back?" I asked, the last bit softer.

"Sure." He smiled, "I'd like that."

* * *

We were both a bit exhausted to speak after all the teenagers boarded the bus, but it was a comfortable silence between us. I caught him staring at me twenty minutes into the ride and immediately grew self-conscious.

"You were humming to yourself." Phil gave a small smile, closing his eyes and leaning back on the seat, "I liked it."

I felt myself blush promptly for no reason and immediately ducked my head.

"Oh."

We were about thirty minutes away when I felt a heavy lump fall on my shoulder. I turned to find Phil fast asleep on me, his hair messed. I smiled ever-so-slighty. Nobody at this place was very touchy-feely and it was nice to have a silent chance to cuddle.

"Cuddle in a manly way." I whispered out loud to myself as I tried to not wake Phil up.

When the bus pulled in, however, Phil awoke with a rough jolt and about leapt off the seat.

"Oh my god was I asleep on you?" He practically yelped. I laughed and stood up, grabbing my bag.

"I'm so sorry!" He continued.

"Seriously it's no big deal. It was kinda cute." I froze. Did I just say that? I couldn't have just said that.

He seemed to have gotten that that slipped out of nowhere, because he blushed madly and hurried off the bus. Only Chris nudged my shoulder on the way out.

Dinner was silent that night, the sound of a table filled with tired people with delicious food. None of the others said much while we were getting ready for bed either. Drawers were opened and closed and soft shuffling was heard, but voices were absent- even from Chris. By ten o'clock PJ was already asleep, and Chris was soon after. My eyelids were growing heavy as I saw Phil still awake- the glasses I almost never saw perched on his nose; his eyes locked on a notepad much like PJ's.

I turned sideways and sighed, closing my eyes and trying to block out my thoughts as I zoned in on the sounds of the room. The bed felt remarkably empty and cold and the room felt terribly dark as I lay there. The only noise keeping me sane was the constant scratch of Phil's pen on the paper, but soon even that stopped.

I sat up slowly minutes after Phil's small light turned off. I saw the silhouette of him sleeping and felt the strangest urge to have him beside me. Then suddenly I was very sad for a reason I could not put my finger on, feeling my heart contract as I forced myself to breathe. The dark began to close in on me as I clamped my eyes shut, swallowing harshly. I dug my nails forcefully into my arm, wincing as I felt them clench into my skin.

Somehow I heard a whimper, and it took a minute to trace it to myself. I couldn't think straight as I tried to fight the thoughts that always ended badly- the ones that appeared out of the blue at the worst times.

And then the most amazing thing happened. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I forced myself to open my eyes.

"You're not okay." The words were knowing and somehow so much more comforting than "Are you okay?"

I opened my mouth to speak but I just let out a sob. Instantly I wanted to hide, but Phil sat beside me on my bed and began rubbing my back.

"It's okay, shh. You're going to be alright." He spoke softly and his voice was calm. When I was able to breathe correctly again he gave me a small smile. "You're shaking."

"S-sorry." I mumbled, burying my head in his shoulder.

"Does this happen a lot?"

"A few times."

"How long?" It didn't sound like he was pushing, more like he was genuinely caring.

"Since I was seven." I barely remember having them back then, but Tavy said I did.

"What happened when you were seven?"

"My mom left me here." I thought I had told him this, "I told you on the bus."

"Oh." He paused, "Well I think you should get some sleep. We had a big day." He began to ease away, and terror flooded my mind. I subconsciously gripped his arm tighter and my eyes grew wide.

"Please don't leave me." I didn't even mean to say it, but I had needed somebody here for so long.

"I won't." And with the two words I didn't expect him to say, he lay beside me and pulled the blanket up. Our bodies weren't touching, but it made all the difference with somebody near.

And so we slept.


	3. Dogs and Decisions

I woke up alone, blinking into bright light. The room was empty, the other beds made and the other boys gone. I sat up slowly, recalling last night as I looked over at Phil's corner of the room. I was wondering the time when Tavy burst in with a tray.

"Goodmorning sweet cheeks!" She greeted me loudly, bouncing over to my bed, "The kids said you went and got yourself a cold at the lake yesterday! I knew you'd want some food though- ill or not a growing boy must eat!"

"Thanks Ms. Tavy. I'm alright though." I yawned, accepting the tray piled high with waffles and a glass of juice.

"The boys should be up soon, if you feel like spending all day in bed I can arrange to have your chores done by somebody else." She winked as she walked out the door.

I sighed and nibbled at a waffle, wondering why they had all left me this morning. Maybe Phil had found it too awkward last night. What if I had ruined our friendship by asking him to stay? I buried my head in my pillow, groaning. I always mess things up.

Ten minutes later the door opened and Chris walked in, followed by PJ and Phil.

"Hey sleepy head." Chris joked. I tossed him a glare.

"Hey why did you guys leave me? I'm not sick."

"That was Phil's idea. Said you had a rough night or something." Chris nodded towards Phil.

"Sorry about that. Thought you might like some sleep." Phil mumbled as he looked at me sheepishly.

"Thanks, really. I did end up getting breakfast in bed!" I smiled, wanting to reassure Phil it was okay.

"Alright boys, Philip and PJ, downstairs sweeping and dishes, Daniel and Christopher, upstairs- clean the bath hall and sweep this floor. Make haste!" Tavy pushed our door open and commanded us.

Phil and PJ took off downstairs while Chris and I got the broom and dustpan. I didn't even notice Chris smirking at me.

"So?" He asked, a smile playing on his lips.

"So what?" I asked curiously, beginning to sweep.

"So what's up with Phil!" Chris shook his head, looking at me like I was daft.

"We're friends now I think."

"Oh. Nothing more?" He pushed farther. I felt my patience being stretched.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, Dan!" He let out an exasperated sigh, "It's pretty obvious."

"What's obvious?" I shouted.

"You fancy him!" He practically screamed at me from three feet away. The room went dead silent.

"I do not." I answered a second later as I felt my face flush. Of course I didn't fancy him. Of course.

"You do to. Come on, you always eagerly jump to help him, you teach him how to swim, and this morning you guys are in the same bed-what the hell am I supposed to think?"

"I was trying to be friendly and last night I was scared." I mumbled, my eyes shifting over to the door as if I wanted to make sure Phil wasn't standing there.

"Does he even know why you have those panic attacks, or the dreams?" Chris said, his voice almost a whisper. A very disapproving whisper at that.

"Of course not. PJ doesn't either."

"Well PJ doesn't care. Phil does. Phil cares about you Dan." Chris strained.

"But not in that way." I cared about Phil. A lot.

"You don't know that." Chris sighed, crouching down with the dust pan, "Even PJ said he looks at you with the strangest look. Like you're something he's never seen before."

I felt my heart jump a little when Chris said the last bit. "B-but we haven't known each other for long." I tried to reject the idea to keep myself sane, "Seriously?

"Yeah. I'm just saying Dan, don't be blind about this kind of stuff." And with that Chris walked out of the door and towards the washroom.

I stayed standing for a moment, biting my lip. Somehow I didn't believe much of what Chris said. I shook my head as if to try and clear it before following.

When our chores were done we all walked out to the court yard. I went over by the fountain and sat on the edge, looking up to find Phil had followed me.

"Hey!" I patted the space next to me, offering him to sit down. He did.

"Hi." He said, looking over at the water.

"It's nice weather, isn't it?"

"Indeed. Guess what I brought out." I could tell he was smiling by his voice. I wearily looked up.

"Let's get this over with." I groaned playfully as I took the geometry book from him.

* * *

The noon sun eventually became dreadfully hot on our backs and we found refuge under an oak tree.

"Let's take a break from maths. What's your favourite colour?" I suggested.

"Silver, or blue." He answered promptly. "And your's?"

"Purple. Or gold." I propped myself up on my elbows.

"Those are good colours" Phil leaned back on the tree and sighed. Suddenly his eyes grew curious and he shifted forward. "Dan look!"

"What?" I looked around from under the leaf canopy.

"It's a dog!" He pointed and sure enough, there was a small pup just by the end of the branches. "Come here doggy doggy doggy!" He cooed. Slowly the dog inched forward, stopping about five feet from Phil.

"It could have rabies." I murmured, apprehensive.

"It could be fine." Phil retorted, stepping forward and scooping up the dog. "There we go!"

"It looks nice." I stuck out a hand and it sniffed it eagerly. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"It's a she!" Phil grinned. I had never seen him this happy. "What should we name her?"

"Let's name her Anna." I suggested, always having a fondness for the name.

"I like that name." Phil stroked the pup behind her ears. "She can sleep in my bed."

"Tavy will never let you keep her. Besides, we live in the city. Any dog around here in that good of shape has got to have an owner already." Phil's smile fell a little at my words.

"Then we'll keep her safe." He concluded, nuzzling his face in Anna's fur. I smiled.

"We might need Chris's help getting her inside."

Moments later Chris showed up, PJ trailing. "Why did you come PJ? Heaven forbid you were hanging out with Chris of all people." I said sarcastically, knowing they hated each other.

"It's just hot out and I wondered why you were all at the tree- what is THAT?" PJ made a face.

"It's Anna." Phil chuckled, holding her out. "Wanna hold her?"

"Sure." PJ stepped forward, a genuine smile spreading across his face as the dog squirmed in his hands. "Hi Anna." He said seriously, scratching her head.

"It's kinda cute." Chris chimed in. "Let me guess- you need my help sneaking her in. I gave him a pleading smile.

"Please?"

"Duh. It's a dog." Chris took her from PJ. "Come on, let's go." He had us walk so Anna was hidden mostly and we all went to the back door, avoiding the adults.

Sneaking up the stairs was a bit difficult, trying to not call much attention to ourselves.

"Come on." Chris whispered as Anna squirmed. "Hang in there!"

Finally we reached the room and we all rushed inside, Chris finally letting Anna go. She hit the floor on four slippery paws due to the wood floor. After a minute of excited sliding around she finally got the hang of walking on the surface. Phil was already gathering his spare sheets in a makeshift dog bed.

"A love of animals, eh?" I sat on the end of Phil's bed as Anna sniffed around our feet.

"Completely."

"I like that."

Suddenly there was a swift knock at our door. "Boys what's all that scratching around?" Tavy shouted. We all froze.

"Nothing!" We all said almost simultaneously.

"Oh really." She raised her eyebrows as the door swung open and Anna was in clear view, "Where in the heavens did you find a dog?"

"In the garden." PJ answered.

"She's really friendly." Chris added with an innocent smile.

"Her name is Anna!" Phil chimed in.

"Say hi Anna!" I smiled.

"You can't keep the dog." Tavy said, sounded exhausted for the first time in a long time. There was a collective "Aww" from us as she crouched down to pet Anna.

"She probably already has an owner. How about you boys get to keep her until they come and find her."

"Seriously we can?" I asked, looking over at Phil.

"Sure! Why don't you make posters for her? We can hang them up around town." She suggested.

"I'm in." PJ announced, glad to finally get to show off his artistic skills.

* * *

"Pass the green." Chris murmured, all of us feeling nine again as we passed around crayons and lied on the floor with poster boards. Anna had gotten paw prints on one and peed on another, but in the end we had three good posters for her, and just in time for dinner. We left Anna in the room while we ate, talking about her all the while. Par normal at dinner the post was passed out, which I ignored daily. Today, however, Phil got something. His face was a mix of emotions as he read it.

"What's up?" I asked once he put it down.

"My request got accepted!" He sounded excited. "I put in a request to go to America. With my family there it was easier, but as I'm still a minor I had no idea if it would accept. My dad also included a form saying he'd lend me money as well. I could become a citizen if I wanted!"

"So you're leaving?" My heart dropped.

"Probably not for a handful of months, but hopefully before Christmas."

"You've barely been here!" I felt myself try and deny this. He was so happy…

"I told you, I barely stay at any of these places. But hey, let's not worry about me leaving now. I still have loads of time here." He sounded less happy about that part.

When we were all getting ready for bed Anna was curled up on Phil's duvet.

"Going to let Anna sleep there and just sleep with Dan again tonight?" Chris asked. I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not but I had the desire to throw a shoe at his head.

"Shut up Chris. I'm going to shower before the girls take all the hot water." I said as I walked out.

* * *

"He was scared last night you know. That's why I stayed with him." Phil said softly after Dan left.

"I know. He gets that way a lot and I bet he never told you why." Chris said matter-of-factly.

"He said it's because his mom left him here." Phil furrowed his eyebrows.

"Not even close. His mom didn't leave him here, his sister did." Chris informed Phil.

"His sister?" Phil paused. "He didn't say anything about a sister."

"His dad didn't cheat on his mum, he killed her Phil. And his sister escaped with him to London, until she couldn't care for him properly. He has nightmares about what happened to her out there because he hasn't heard from her since." Chris finished, his voice cold.

"Oh… that's why he gets that way. I was so worried." Phil felt his heart drop

"Yeah. And just letting you know, he has never asked me to stay with him. Ever. And I've known him for five years. So just realize you're special before you get up and run to America." Chris finished coldly as he got up and strided out the door. Phil was struck silent as he sat on the bed. PJ had stayed silent.

* * *

When I returned from the bathroom there was an obvious tension in the room. I had passed an angry-looking Chris on the way back from the bathroom and now Phil looked ready to cry.

"Did you two have a go at each other or something?" I asked as I walked to my bed.

"No." It was barely a whisper from Phil.

"Are you okay?" I turned worried. "Don't listen to Chris, okay? He just likes to say things and-"

"I'm sorry about your sister." And that was all it took for me, for at that moment Chris returned to the room.

"You told him about my sister? I can't believe this."

"Look, he needed to know." Chris said, his face neutral.

"And I should have told him."

"Yeah well there's no doubt you wouldn't tell your little perfect Phil something that might scare him, eh?" Chris smirked.

And whatever I was going to say was replaced by my fist hitting Chris straight in the face.


	4. Apologies and Bonfires

I was vaguely aware of arms pulling me back as Chris stumbled backward into the bed. I thought the arms belonged to Phil, but the angry yank back was from PJ as he rushed over to Chris.

"Don't you dare hurt him!" PJ shouted at me as he ran over. Fury was instantly replaced by regret and fear in my brain, the two emotions twisting themselves painfully.

"I'm-I'm so sorry Chris I'm sorry-" I stammered, tears forming in my eyes.

"Sorry doesn't cut it! Stay the fuck away from him!" PJ yelled, grabbing Chris's hand.

"I'm fine, Peej, really." Chris said softly, getting back on his feet, staying away from me.

"I'm so sorry Chris please don't hate me I didn't mean to-" I tried as my voice broke. Suddenly a much softer touch was felt on my shoulder.

"Why don't you just stay back, okay?" Phil spoke softly, his voice so warm it instantly terrified me.

"I'm so sorry Phil I didn't-" I couldn't finish the sentence before I broke into tears. I thought Phil would back away, afraid of the mess of the person I was, but he wrapped his arms around me and let me bury my head in his chest and just cry.

"I know you're sorry." He whispered, bringing attention to the fact that's what I had been repeating brokenly. I didn't know what else to say.

From across the room PJ had made Chris sit down so he could look at Chris's slightly forming bruise just under his left eye. I couldn't turn my head, I didn't want to see the look on Chris's face right now. I didn't want Phil to be comforting me for punching my best friend. I didn't want any of this to happen and here is was, happening.

"Please breathe." Phil said after a minute, his arms still around me. I tried to, it was difficult.

"I-I'm s-sorry." I tried, my voice breaking again.

"Can I talk to him?" Chris's voice was right behind me and it took all I had to turn to him. I bit my lip, fighting more tears.

"He needed to know. It's not that fun to worry about why your friend has panic attacks constantly you know. I've been there." His voice was kind, kinder than I had expected. It made me want to cry.

"I didn't want him to t-think I'm a f-freak."

"You think I'd think you were a freak because… why exactly?" Phil cut in, still standing a foot away from me.

"B-because my dad is a murderer , my mum is dead, and my sister is probably dead too." I swallowed hard.

"That doesn't mean anything to me!" Phil exclaimed, "I'm just upset you lied to me."

"I-I'm so sorry." I couldn't help the crack in my voice. Who was I kidding; Phil meant so much to me. Even in the handful of weeks we had known each other somehow I ended up trusting him completely. I cared about him, and it terrified me.

"Why though?"

"Because I actually care about you." I didn't mean to say it that way. Words never quite got along with me.

"So… you lied… to me." Phil asked slowly, his eyebrows furrowed.

"To protect you. Because I didn't want you to not want to be my friend." I struggled to explain.

"You want to be my friend?" Phil sounded surprised.

"We already are friends?" Confusion flooded my brain, wondering how this turned to Phil instead of Chris.

"I love being your friend. Nothing could change that." Phil blurted out. I managed a small smile.

"Really?"

"Have fun working this out you two, I'll be over here with my massive black eye." Chris went a bit sarcastic, more like his normal tone.

"Come here Chris." PJ called Chris over.

"Chris?" We both turned to see PJ with his hands on Chris's shoulders, looking into his eyes.

"Since when has PJ cared about you?" Phil asked the question on my mind.

"Chris I'm sick of this." PJ mumbled. Chris sighed worriedly.

"Because we're together." Chris said finally. Phil and I both started.

"I beg your pardon?" Phil said, words gracing him better.

"_Together_, together." Chris added, the words a bit reluctant. "Glad that's over resume normal activity."

"Are you guys serious?" I tilted my head. Phil seemed to mimic the action.

"Yep." PJ joined in.

"But-but…" I was at a loss for words.

"Please just act normal still." Chris whined.

Phil and I looked at each other with confused looks.

"I'm so confused." Phil sighed.

"Let's go to bed already." PJ yawned, reaching out and grabbing Chris's hand. I immediately thought I would never get used to that sight.

"Chris your eye-" I began.

"Don't worry about it, I'm fine. You have a pretty good arm though Dan." Chris raised his right eyebrow.

"Um." I heard Phil squeak. We all turned. "Where is Anna?"

And moments later a loud scream belonging to Mrs. Darby erupted downstairs. We all ran to the door, Chris almost tripping over the edge of the staircase.

"WHY IS THERE A DOG IN MY KITCHEN?!" Mrs. Darby yelled from downstairs. We heard Tavy's room door open next.

"Why she's not supposed to be down here!" Tavy cooed, probably trying to pick Anna up.

We all stood at the top of the stairs in a huddle, trying to listen as Mr. Darby joined in.

"Sorry Roseanne, I told Tavy the kids could keep the dog. They're boys! They like animals!" He sounded tired.

"I like them too, just not in my kitchen!" Mrs. Darby sighed angrily.

"I've got her. I'll make sure those boys keep her contained, and then I'll mop the floors in here." Tavy said.

"It's almost a quarter 'till ten! Don't bother with that. Come on dear, let's go to bed. Tavy, make sure the boys are asleep when you put the dog away, will you?" Mr. Darby said. Moments later we heard their bedroom door close. We all scampered back into our room, leaping in our beds as we flicked the light out.

"Act asleep!" I whispered loudly.

Our door creaked open and Tavy walked in, her heavy footsteps creaking the floorboards.

"Boys you let this dog get out of here, you knew the Darby's wouldn't be happy about that!" Tavy flicked on the light, "Be glad she's still letting you keep 'em." She placed Anna on the floor, shuffling scratches filling the room.

"Thank you Ms. Tavy." Phil slipped out of bed and picked up Anna.

"You're welcome Philip, now keep a good eye on her." She turned around. "Is Christopher already asleep?" She looked over at the boy with his face under the covers, "Well sleep well boys." She went over to Chris and pulled back the covers to kiss his forehead.

"Oh my!" She stepped back.

"What is it?" PJ immediately asked, pretending he didn't already know.

"What on earth happened to his eye?" She look around at the four boys she thought would never harm a soul.

"It's nothing." Chris said, sitting up.

"Who did that to you?" Tavy put her hand on Chris's face, "Don't bother trying to lie."

I sighed, my heart feeling really heavy as my head fought to keep my confession in.

"Miss Tavy, I did it." I said after a moment of silence, Phil and PJ trying not to look at me. She gasped.

"Daniel! Why, I don't believe that for a minute!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." I hung my head.

"Well… I suppose tomorrow you'll have to spend the day with Mrs. Darby instead of with the boys. I'm so disappointed in you Daniel."

I felt my eyes burn as I held back tears. I'd never heard her say those words. "I know."

"Go to bed now, all of you." Tavy ordered, "Chris, I'll bring you ice for your eye." She left, returning moments later with an ice pack before leaving again, flicking off the light. I watched the faint moonlight bounce off the beds, creating silhouettes. Anna was curled up on Phil's bed and it made me wonder why she liked him the best. When the hall light leaking in from under the door turned to darkness, Chris quietly got out of bed, his dark form crossing over to PJ's bed. I rolled over, not really wanting to accept the fact that they had each other. Something stirred inside me and I pegged it for guilt. It wasn't until I was about asleep when my mind figured out it really was guilt at all. I was jealous.

* * *

Morning came quickly. While we were getting ready for breakfast I couldn't look at Chris. The giant bruise on his eye in daylight made me sick to my stomach. Nobody said much.

The girls were all silent as well at breakfast, most of them staring at Chris. The one "What happened" went ignored, for which I was grateful. The silence persisted until the last of the plates had been emptied and Tavy told us our chores. I was told to go to the kitchen.

"Bye." I mumbled, not expecting a response.

"I'll miss you." I barely heard Phil whisper behind me. I didn't turn around, I didn't want to see if I had imagined it or not.

Throughout the morning I scrubbed dishes and sat in silence at the table alone. Mrs. Darby brought me my school work instead of Tavy, and I was left to do it alone while the other children were in the courtyard. Boredom flooded my mind, the silence surrounding me making me want to scream. The maths packet was impossible without Phil there over my shoulder and the essay was dull as anything. I ended up daydreaming and staring out the kitchen window, doodling circles on the paper. I heard Anna scratching around upstairs every once and a while.

Eventually my mind turned to Phil. I missed his smile, the way he'd laugh ever-so-slightly at things I'd say. It's like everything I could say he would listen to. I liked Phil. I wish he hadn't gotten the grant to go to America. Sure, it was selfish, but there was this amazing person who made me happy and he was just going to leave. I knew it from the start though, everyone leaves eventually. One day Chris would leave, when his mom remarries- PJ would leave with him. PJ could leave right now, sometimes I wondered why he didn't. He has an uncle who he could go live with, I'd overheard him talking sometimes. It'd taken me this long to realize the only reason he is still here- the brunet boy in the bed across from him. I'd never ever considered leaving this place. It was home to me in the end, in fact it was, is, and always has beenmy real home.

"Dan?" I jolted strait up at the voice. Chris's voice.

"Hi Chris." I stood up and faced him in the small kitchen.

"Tavy wanted us to talk." He mumbled.

"Oh. I'm sorry about your eye." I answered, very quietly.

"It's okay. I shouldn't have told him. I was just scared."

"You were… scared?" I looked up. Chris was biting his lip.

"Peej wanted to tell you guys about us and I didn't want to. I didn't because I was worried you'd feel alone. And I know Phil cares about you, okay? I know what it's like to care about somebody so much who won't look at you twice. And then you get stuck on kitchen duty together and you find out they feel the same way." He chuckled, a sad laugh that seemed to hang in the air, "I didn't want Phil to worry about you. I wanted him to know the truth before he left." He finished.

"They all leave." My voice was hollow, a whisper louder than a yell.

"I know. And be glad you didn't have to see your face when Phil said he going leave too."

"I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say. I fought tears.

"I've never seen you that sad." Chris sighed, walking over and leaning against the counter, "I kind of hoped it wouldn't be like this when he came. You got too attached Dan, and Phil's gotten attached to you as well. I thought you knew everyone leaves! Didn't we promise not to do this years ago? When Charlie and Alex left? We said we'd stick together." Chris's voice broke in the slightest way. I stood next to him beside the counter.

"We screwed up that promise." I forced a chuckle as a tear ran down my face.

"PJ promised me he wouldn't leave without me." Chris said, looking down at his shoes, "As for you..."

"I'm not in love with Phil." I said, the words hot in my mouth, "It won't hurt when he leaves. I'm used to people leaving." I felt a lump in my throat.

"I don't want to see you hurt Dan!" Chris closed his eyes and sighed deeply, "But I don't think denying things is going to help at all."

"Boys, are you ready for supper?" Tavy opened the door, making us both jump. "You're free now Daniel. Just realize what you've done, okay? And don't be repeating it!"

We both looked at each other, a silent acceptance of apologies.

"I'm sorry Miss Tavy." I said.

"It's alright boy. Now both of you, go get dinner before it's cold!'

"Okay." We both murmured before walking out into the dining room.

Phil gave me a smile as we joined the table, asking how my day had been. I answered honestly, but leaving out the part where I missed him like crazy.

We had a bonfire that night in the field. The four boys, four girls, and little dog sat around a blazing fire- the flickers of ash memorizing as PJ passed me the marshmallows. I chuckled when I saw Phil had managed to get some melted marshmallow on his nose already. He was desperately trying to get it off with his tongue.

Chris was busy feeding PJ a marshmallow and giggling, Chris threatening to push PJ off the bench if the latter got marshmallow on him.

With the fire burning well and the night a dark navy blue, we all sat talking. Lex came over to talk to PJ some, and Carrie followed. Phil seemed to get along pretty well with her, despite the lack of proper introduction.

We all managed a messy round of campfire songs, complete with laughter and some impromptu verses. It was about eleven when we heard Tavy calling us in from the field. I struggled not to fall asleep on the way back through the tall grass, Anna trailing at my feet.

"I'm so tired." I yawned, my feet tired of walking.

"Just a bit farther." I heard Phil say, surprised when his voice was inches away. I smiled as he slipped his hand into mine. We walked in silence the rest of the way home, the four of us collapsing into our respective beds when we reached our room.

And for once, I dreamt of happiness.


	5. Sorrow and Shops

Despite our strongest efforts, July faded into August, and August into September. Phil and I only drew closer, spending the chilly autumn days in the courtyard, his hand occasionally finding its way to mine. Nothing more was heard of his departure, aside from the one additional letter hand addressed from Phil's father, claiming only "before winter holidays". Chris's birthday was fast approaching and he was itching for it to arrive, the age difference between him and PJ becoming more of a problem as PJ was going to be eighteen before we knew it.

In the darkness sometimes I heard Chris and PJ talking, long after we were supposed to be asleep. Most of the time they sounded sad, or worried. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I heard talk about leaving often. It made me uneasy.

Sometimes in the evenings Phil and I would talk. Talk about everything, sometimes about the stars, the constellations he could point out, and other times we would talk about what we are going to do once we leave this place. Sometimes we'd talk about what it's like in America. I didn't like those conversations very much.

It was a rather chilly Saturday when we heard a brisk knock on the front door. Chris and Phil were still asleep, as we were allowed to sleep late on Saturdays. Only PJ and I got up and walked to the staircase. Tavy answered the door.

"Good morning Miss!" The man with a clean suit and a beard said. Beside him was short lady in equally as elegant clothing, looking nervous.

"Good morning Sir, welcome to Saint Peter's Children's home. Please come in." Tavy welcomed them in. We sighed and returned to our room, not caring much about another pair of parents.

"Who was it?" Phil mumbled tiredly from his bed.

"Just two adults, probably wanting to dump their kid here." I said, walking over and sitting on the end of Phil's bed. He smiled sleepily at me.

"Guess what tomorrow is." I turned and grinned at Chris.

"The day where he's finally turning 6!" PJ laughed as Chris sat up in bed and scowled.

"More like 16. I wish it was more like 18." Chris mumbled. I knew where he was coming from with that.

"We should throw him a party." Phil whispered to me. I grinned.

"You think so?" I whispered back. Suddenly our door opened and we all turned our heads.

"Boys?" Tavy stood at the door, looking a bit downcast. "Looks like the posters you made finally worked!"

We all cocked our heads before the same couple walked in smiling. We all scurried out of bed.

"Lucy!" The woman cried out, dropping to her knees as Anna perked up and leapt off the bed as well, rushing to her and covering her face with kisses.

"Thank you for keeping our Lucy safe, we cannot thank you enough." The gentleman shook our hands individually. "Now, we must be on our way. Our little boy has been missing his best friend ever so dearly!"

"Boys, say goodbye!" Tavy sounded cheerful but her face told a different emotion.

Chris and PJ were standing next to each other so they said goodbye first, stroking Lucy behind the ears.

"Bye little fellow." PJ smiled. I stepped forward and let her lick my face.

"Nice having you for a while, I bet you're glad to be going home little guy." I smiled sadly as I gave her a pet. I didn't notice Phil behind me. He stepped forward silently and gave the dog in the woman's arms a stroke. Lucy didn't wag her tail, she just stared at Phil with those big brown eyes. Phil said nothing for a minute.

"Say goodbye to Lucy, Philip. She's leaving us now." Tavy said softly.

"Goodbye, Anna." Phil barely whispered before turning around. The couple bid us goodbye and left with their long lost pup. Phil was facing his bed, just standing there. I walked up beside him before realizing his arms were crossed and he was biting his lip, tears running down his face.

"Phil?" I said quietly, not knowing what to say.

"You were right." He almost whimpered, "Everybody leaves."

* * *

"I just don't think it's fair." Chris shouted from the shower next to mine over the sound of the water. I ran shampoo through my hair with my fingers, sighing.

"Since when has life ever been fair Chris?" I shouted back.

"I just don't think making us decide this is so fair, you know? We're supposed to be going to university." Chris shut off the water, his voice echoing off the walls as I washed out the rest of my shampoo and did the same.

"Doesn't PJ want to?" I wrapped a towel around my waist.

"Nope. He wants to go live off being a musician." The way Chris said it conveyed he disapproved.

"Is he any good?" I had heard him sing a few times, but I couldn't recall what his voice sounded like.

"He's… amazing." Chris sighed, "I'm being a selfish dick. I just don't want him to leave."

"Yeah I got that. He can't leave until next year though. Phil will be gone by then." I took a brush to my hair, trying to dry it before straightening it. I always hoped the girls would never find out I used their straighteners.

"God this sucks." Chris laughed sarcastically as he roughly dried his hair with a towel.

"At least I'll always be here." I chuckled weakly. "Nothing for me out there."

We headed back from the showers when my hair was reasonably straight. Phil was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He'd been sad ever since Anna left and I was left wondering how to help him.

"Phil get up and stop being so sad about a dog. I love you, but you're killing me." Chris walked over to Phil and threw a towel at him.

"Leave me alone." Phil moaned. I sighed.

"Come on Phil, she's probably happier with her old family." I tried. He groaned and rolled over.

"Does that mean I'm not allowed to miss her?"

"Of course not. Well if it cheers you up, tomorrow I heard we might be able to go into town." I slipped on pajamas.

"Really?" PJ looked up from his sketchpad he had on his lap.

"Yeah!" I turned to Phil, "We do this a couple times a year. It's mainly to get new clothes with the money our guardians send us, but after a couple jumpers, new pants, and a couple pairs of jeans you're all set to buy whatever the hell you want." I chuckled.

"That sounds like fun." Phil said. His voice was still sad but at least his mind was off of Anna.

"But Tavy gets really pissy if you buy too much crap." Chris laughed, referring to past experience.

"I need a new sketch book." PJ murmured.

"I was going to get you one for your birthday." Chris furrowed his eyebrows.

"But what do I do until then baby?" Peej sighed and Phil and I almost choked on our spit.

"I'm going to be sick." Phil joked, "Baby? Really?"

We both broke into laughter as we were hit with an evil glare from the couple.

"Sorry, that was mean… baby." I starting laughing again and Phil joined in.

"Go to bed you idiots." PJ said as he turned out the light. In the sudden darkness neither Phil nor I could see anything and I ran straight into my bed post.

"Ow." I groaned. I heard Chris chuckle.

* * *

We were walking through the shops, Chris and Peej to my right and Phil to my left. People were passing every which way and a few carriages on the streets filled the air with noise. It was unnaturally warm for middle September, but everybody was wearing jeans and cardigans.

"Excuse me, what day is it?" A man with a beard asked.

"Sunday sir!" I answered, turning around. I didn't see the old man anymore, and by the time I turned around I didn't see the other boys either. Nobody looked familiar and I felt my heart beat pound faster.

"Guys wait!" I shouted, trying to make my way through the people. They couldn't have gone far. It was getting late in the evening as well.

"Are you lost?" A lady beside me noticed my terror.

"Yes, have you seen three other boys come round?" I asked, my voice a little shakey.

"Yes, They went into that shop." I followed her into the shop door, assuming she happened to be going to the same shop. Suddenly she turned around, the door slamming with pounding noise. I felt my heart drop when I saw the inside of the shop. The windows were boarded up and the floorboards were torn out.

"I- I don't think this is right." I stammered, running for the door. She caught my arm by a hand, her long fingernails digging into my skin until it hurt so much I fell to my knees.

"Help!" I screamed, but the people outside continued to walk by, oblivious to my distress.

"The windows are tinted sweetie." She leaned down and put a hand over my mouth. I couldn't breath as she trailed her opposite hand down my waist, taking out my wallet and tossing it to the man in the corner before pulling down my trousers.

"Help! Phil! Help me! Please help me!" I screamed, my voice hoarse and terrified.

"_Dan_!" I heard Phil scream, "_Dan wake up_!"

I woke up trembling and panting, I couldn't tell the tears from sweat on my face.

"Dan bloody hell-are you okay?" Phil put his hand on my forehead and I flinched.

"Phil- P-phil." I breathed heavily, my mind racing to distinguish the dream from the cool and quiet comfort of our bedroom.

"Dan just breathe. It's okay." He sat beside me on the bed and I burrowed my head in his chest and inhaled and exhaled, over and over, just for him.

"He's okay guys, go back to sleep." Phil cooed to the others, rubbing my back, "I'm so sorry Dan."

"It's just a dream, it's not your fault." I breathed.

"I think I was hurting you in the dream. You were screaming my name and you sounded scared." His voice sounded so hurt. I didn't remember why I was so scared, or where I was in the dream. I almost never do. Was Phil the cause of it?

"No, no, no you weren't. You weren't I promise." I lied, more for myself than for him.

"Thank god. I was so scared. I never want to hurt you. Ever." He wrapped his arms around me.

"I know you won't." I whispered, using his chest as a pillow, "Stay with me please."

I woke up with our legs tangled together and his arms wrapped around me. My heart fluttered embarrassingly as I pushed his hair back on his forehead. I didn't remember much of last night, but I was thankful for Phil being there. He didn't mention it when he woke up, nor while we were getting ready. In fact the first time he properly spoke to me was right after breakfast.

"You excited for the shops today?" He smiled at me.

"Yeah!" I grinned, "And you?"

"Super excited."

"Then let's go to the tube, shall we?"

When we finally reached the shops we immediately went in the general store. I found a blue jumper and a couple t-shirts before I moved on to the more entertaining things.

"Hey Phil check this out." I smiled as I help up a necklace with a metal bear on it.

"That's cool!" He exclaimed.

"Find anything worthwhile yet?" I asked as I sighed and put back the cool necklace.

"Maybe." He smiled, his hands behind his back.

"Go on, show it to me!" I pleaded. He took one hand from behind his back and I broke into laugher at the little stuffed lion sitting on his hand.

"Really Phil?" I chuckled.

"Lions are the coolest!" His eyes lit up. Laughing at him was like making fun of a five year old for believing in St. Nicholas at Christmas time. It felt cruel.

"You know it!" I just accepted Phil's love of animals from the beginning.

"Oh my god." He ran behind a display and I rushed to follow.

"Rawr!" He leapt out from behind it wearing a lion mask. I had no words. It was adorable.

"Phil!" I chuckled, taking the mask off his face. He faux frowned in the cutest way.

"Come on you adorable nutcase." I sighed at him, turning for the door.

"Wait I have to buy my lion. Meet you outside!" He ran off to the back of the store and I went out to wait by the door.

The rest of the boys joined us later and we all got a quick dinner before heading back to the tube with our purchases.

"You got a stuffed lion?" PJ asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Isn't it cute?" Phil chuckled.

Everyone looked at him, and then to me. I smiled.

The rest of the way home we shared our random stuff, PJ showing off his notepad and new pencils the most. It was about dark when we reached home. Tavy made sure we hadn't been mugged or jumped before getting us all mugs of tea to take up to our rooms.

It was nice that evening. We opened the window and let the evening sounds fill the room and then we all sat on the ends of our beds talking with our tea until after lights out. Phil was the first to fall asleep, his head at the foot of his bed. I got up and moved his mug off the bed frame.

"Goodnight Phil." I smiled softly, dying to reach out and just let my fingers caress his face. He was beautiful when he was asleep, that was for sure. After a minute of standing beside him I sighed and went back to my bed.

Thankfully exhaustion kept any dreams from visiting me that night, I wouldn't have been prepared for the next morning if they had.


	6. Dreams and Beginnings

It was dark in the room as I sat on my bed, my leg dangling off the edge of the mattress as I gazed out the window at the moonlight. I couldn't sleep, but I wasn't uncomfortable. I barely even noticed the door opening and Phil walking in, wearing nicer clothes than I had remembered him wearing earlier. It must have been about midnight, but Chris and PJ weren't here. Phil smiled at me and I felt my heart flutter, an odd reaction, and as he walked over I shifted a little on the bed, an offering for him to sit.

Phil didn't speak, nor did I, as he sat beside me, lying out his legs and pressing our bodies together. I felt my heartbeat increase as he put his arm over my shoulder.

"Phil…" I barely murmured. He leaned in and put his lips inches from my ear.

"Dan." He whispered, his voice rough. I felt a shiver ripple through me.

"What are you doing?" I questioned weakly as he wrapped a leg around mine.

"Whatever you want." He chuckled quietly and the sound made the blood flooding my cheeks rush downward. He pressed his lips to my neck and I swallowed hard. I felt my hands moving and I wrapped my arms around his waist, kissing him. I couldn't feel anything, just the rush of adrenaline pumping through my veins. He tugged at my shirt, it slipping over my head easily as he climbed into my lap, his legs wound tightly around my hips.

Phil's lips moved to my chest and he kissed downward, his mouth reaching my bellybutton the same time his fingers found my belt loops and pulled gently. I let him, grinding against him as he pulled my trousers down. I smiled, the relief instant as the friction-

Suddenly I found myself blinking into the light. I froze when I realized how obviously turned on I was. Chris was giving me a funny look from his bed, PJ was snickering, and Phil was missing. Probably in the washroom.

"How was your sleep?" Chris said, trying not to laugh. "Don't go into too much detail, please."

I cursed under my breath. "How?" I finally sighed.

"You groaned." Chris broke into laughter. "And Phil went bright red."

"More like moaned." PJ added with a grin, "And is it wrong to assume Phil has heard that noise before?"

"Absolutely!" I started, my eyes wide. "What are you guys on?"

"And now you're blushing. Who exactly was this dream about?" Chris pried.

"Nobody." I answered, feeling myself blush as I remembered who it was about, "Nobody at all."

"Sure sure." Chris smiled as he shook his head. Phil walked in, his hair still mussed from sleep. I felt my heart leap a million paces when I saw his eyes. This was new.

"Morning Dan." He smiled.

"Morning." I didn't even have to try and smile. I couldn't stop.

Breakfast was only awkward for me. I couldn't stop thinking about my dream, and being sat next to Phil wasn't helping in the slightest. I didn't eat, I just thought about feelings. Sometimes I hated feelings, especially the ones I felt towards Phil. It wouldn't concern me at all if I wanted to forget the dream, but every inch of me ached with the realization I loved it. And it made me want to kiss him.

The post was passed out at breakfast this morning, and a single letter was for Phil. He read it over and sighed deeply. "November 5th."

"So?" I snapped out of my thoughts.

"That's a week after the last form needs to be passed. Custody shit takes ages." Phil looked down at the letter, but his eyes didn't move.

"So that's when you're leaving." I said it, the words he didn't want to say.

"Yeah." He said. Everyone had gone silent.

"Oh." Was all I was able to manage. I felt a lump in my throat. When I felt my eyes begin to sting I stood and ignored them as I walked away without looking back. I still felt their stares on my back and I tried to escape, hoping nobody would follow me. Tavy didn't try and stop me as I ran past her on the stairs, rushing into our room as I threw myself onto my bed, putting my head in my lap as I let tears run down my face.

* * *

"Can I go talk to him?" Phil scooted the bench back as he stood. Everyone else had furrowed eyebrows and worried expressions. Tavy entered the dining room and turned to Phil.

"Please," Tavy smiled sadly, "Just give him a few minutes first."

Phil frowned, his hands fiddling with his shirt collar. He nodded before turning toward the stairs.

* * *

I heard footsteps and prayed they wouldn't be Phil's, but wished with all my heart they would.

"Are you okay?" I heard his voice and I couldn't bring myself to look up. I held my breath. "Hey, it's okay." He sat down and put his hand on my back.

"I'm sorry." I sniffed, feeling ridiculous, "I just.."

"Why did you run off?" His voice was warm, concerned.

"I don't want you to go." I sighed.

"I don't either." He admitted, words I didn't expect him to say. We sat in silence for a moment, and finally I looked into his eyes. They were a glistening blue; a colour I thought only existed in the words of writers. His lip trembled in the smallest way, his teeth worrying his bottom lip. Staring into his eyes, it suddenly clicked why it hurt me to see him go. It broke my heart.

Minutes passed, or maybe seconds, and I never wanted this to end.

"Dan…" He finally said, "I can't leave you." He paused and I felt his breath hang in the air, "I don't think I can handle it."

He was saying everything I couldn't find the words to say.

"Why not?" I didn't think, I just needed to know why I was anything special. He said these were all the same, didn't he? I don't know if I could admit why it would kill me to see him go. I could barely admit it to myself.

"Because of this." His voice was soft and low, the sweetest sound in the world.

And then he kissed me.

I felt that. I felt every second of it. It was warm and personal and every bit as amazing as I had imagined my first kiss being. I didn't think about what it meant, what he was trying to say, or even what would happen next. All I knew was Phil was here, the most incredible person I had ever met, and he was kissing me. And I was kissing him.

And for a moment everything was going to be alright.

When we pulled away I couldn't help but smile, it finally sinking in. His mouth was open slightly, his eyes big and blue as ever, the corners of his mouth curved in a smile.

"Now you can't ever leave." I chuckled, my voice hoarse.

"I'll try." He responded, putting his hand on my cheek. I'm sure he could feel the heat on my face as I leaned in and kissed him this time, feeling my heart pound.

He kissed me back, wrapping his arms around my neck. "Maybe we should go back to breakfast?" He grinned, wiping away the last of my tears with his fingers.

* * *

"You seem oddly happy. After that whole running off deal at breakfast." Chris eyed me suspiciously as we sat in the courtyard with our school books before dinner.

"Something happened." I said nonchalantly, continuing to write.

"Well? Spill!" Chris chuckled as if he knew the news.

"He kissed me." I couldn't help the massive grin that spread across my face. Chris choked on his spit.

"No!" He said, disbelief saturating his tone, "Seriously?!"

"Yes!" I put down my books.

"So you guys are together now? I knew this would happen from the start you know. Since that day at the lake I knew it." Chris grinned.

"Well I think we are together?" I cocked my head, "I mean it's not… official yet."

"Oh please. It so is." Chris mussed my hair, "But… won't this make it hard when he leaves?"

I sighed, "It's months away. We're trying not to worry about that." I sighed.

"Fair enough, I suppose." Chris stretched, standing up. "Well I'm fairly certain the girls now think this place must turn you gay." We both laughed before going back inside to help with dinner.

That night Phil caught me in the hallway by the door at the end of the hall, leading to the washroom.

"Hi." He smiled. I still couldn't convince myself earlier had happened, "I have something for you."

"Really now?" I tried to calm my smile, playing it cool.

"It's in the room, I told Chris and PJ to let us have the late showers. Come on." He took my hand and slowly led me back down the hallway. Our roommates walked past us, both of them obviously trying not to smile.

Phil bit his lip as he opened the door, and we walked hand in hand to my bed. There was a tiny brown parcel and a note. "Go on, open the gift first."

"O-okay." I smiled, releasing his hand unwillingly. I took the parcel, gently tearing off the wrapping. Inside it was the metal bear necklace. I gasped softly.

"You got this for me?" I looked at him in awe.

"I knew you liked it." He smiled in the cutest way. "Now open the letter." He motioned towards the white envelope sealed with a tiny red sticker. I picked it up and pulled of the sticker, gently opening it. A tiny card was enclosed, the print so lovely I thought there was no way he could have written it.

_Dear Dan_, It read.

_The minute I walked in this place I noticed you. Your hair, your eyes, and your entirety seeming to just shine as you spoke to me. I am not really good with words, but I've tried for so many nights to find the perfect ones to say to you. I haven't been sure about much for a long time, but I'm sure about you. Will you do the honour of being my boyfriend?_

_Love, Phil._

I realised I hadn't taken a breath through the entire paragraph by the time I finished, my heart beating so fast I was sure this wasn't healthy.

"I'd like nothing more." I half squeaked, trying to make sense that this could happen to me.

"Thank god, I'd thought I'd have to bribe you!" He teased. I hugged him tightly, burying my nose into his chest as I inhaled his scent.

"Thank you. For the necklace, for everything." I breathed, feeling his arms wrap around my back.

"Oh I'd give the world for you, I'm glad the necklace sufficed." I could tell he was smiling.

"I'm so happy right now." I smiled, pulling back and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"I've never been happier. I never thought I would meet somebody like you." Phil looked at me, his voice breaking a little.

"I'd given up on love in this place." I smiled, fighting tears in my eyes, "and then you arrived, and it was like, oh there you are. I've been looking for you forever."

"And now we are together." He laughed, a single tear falling down his cheek, staring into my eyes. "I'm definitely yours." He kissed me again slowly.

"And I'm all yours." I smiled before connecting our lips again.

I fell asleep in Phil's arms that night, the arms I would quickly begin to consider home.


	7. Waiting and Distractions

As Phil and I drew closer, I had no hesitation in falling in love. Throughout the next few weeks after we kissed, I couldn't help but become thoroughly attached, especially when he continued to surprise me with his many talents. I found out he could bake when he volunteered to help Tavy with Chris's birthday cake, and I discovered he could draw when he let me look in his journal. By mid-September the leaves outside were falling gently and never ending, the ground in the courtyard becoming a wasteland for crunchy leaves. It was a vaguely breezy autumn day as Phil and I sat across from each other under the oak tree.

"I'm still not sure what the quadratic formula is." I murmured, looking down at the paper.

"Then let me show you." Phil said, adjusting his glasses as he scooted closer. I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Phil, can we do this later?" I sighed. He smirked and stood up, stretching before giving me a hand up. I grabbed our books and stood up, ignoring his hand.

"Offensive." He said.

"How so?" I grinned, looking into his eyes.

"First you wouldn't let me help you with maths," He stepped closer, "Then you wouldn't let me help you up," He was inches away from my face, I swallowed hard, "so the least you can do now," his lips were a centimeter away, "is kiss me." He connected our lips seconds later and wrapped his arms around my waist. I relaxed into his arms and kissed back, closing my eyes and letting my mind focus on Phil.

"Dinner!" Chris stuck his tongue out at us as he walked by, PJ in tow. Phil and I leapt apart in surprise.

"Come on Phil." I rolled my eyes with a smile and grabbed his hand. We walked in and dropped our books by the stairs before going to wash our hands.

"So, having fun under the tree I see." Chris nudged me as we walked to the table, Phil in the washroom.

"It's not like we haven't walked in on you two making out." I grumbled.

"Be glad you only walked in on that." Chris smirked. I hit him on the shoulder and sat down on the bench. It was then that I noticed Phil had not been in the washroom, that he was instead talking to Tavy across the dining room.

"Mrs. Tavy?" Phil asked as I eavesdropped.

"Yes?" Tavy responded.

"How would I send a letter? I haven't any stamps."

"We can do that for you! Just write it and bring it to the post box." She paused, "And who is this letter to?"

"My dad. I've changed my mind."

"You've changed your mind?"

"Yes. I don't wish to go to America anymore." Phil sounded certain. I felt my heart throb.

"Oh Philip! You need to go, so much work has been done!"

"I can't! My heart is here." Phil stressed. I frowned and looked at the table.

"You're 16 boy! Any love you have is probably going to be gone in a couple months; to give up this opportunity is insane!"

"I can't leave without him!"

"There's so much promise for you in America, you must go."

"I'll bring him with me."

"He's not eighteen. He doesn't have family over there. You can't take him." Tavy was almost shouting.

"Then I'll wait for him!" Phil cried.

"Philip, go sit down!" Tavy commanded loudly enough to make the entirety of the children look over at them.

"I'm not hungry." Phil said much softer, "Can I go to our room?"

"Go on." Tavy motioned. Phil looked at me with the saddest eyes before walking towards the stairs. I wanted nothing more than to run to him, but I stayed.

We ate in silence, half way through I grabbed some bread and wrapped it in my napkin for Phil. As soon as dinner was over I rushed up the stairs, Chris and PJ looking at me with worried faces.

Phil was on his bed, his legs crossed and his hand flying over his notebook. He didn't look up.

"Are you okay?" I pretended to not know what happened, "You kinda…" I trailed off.

"I'm fine." Phil said stoically. I sighed and sat on the edge of his bed.

"Don't be cold with me."

"I'm not being cold." He mumbled.

I sighed and my hands went to my necklace, fiddling with it until he looked up.

"I know you heard that conversation." He said softly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You were not going to go to America for me. That's not something everyone would do."

"I don't want to go. I lo- I don't want to leave you here." He sighed deeply and closed his journal.

"It's okay. I'm nothing special." I murmured the last bit.

"You're the most special person I've ever met." Phil chuckled emotionlessly, "And I could look as hard as I'd like but I'll never find somebody like you again. I'm not giving up. I can wait until we're eighteen."

"No way I'm letting you give this up for me. I'll join you when I'm eighteen, okay?" I tilted his chin up and looked into his eyes, "It's just a few years."

"But-" he protested.

"But nothing. Now I'm going to the showers." I smiled at him, trying to reassure him that we would be okay, because I couldn't be selfish here. I had to be strong for Phil, no matter what. I was about to the door to the washroom when I began to cry softly.

* * *

Nights were my favourite because everything was still. I let my lets dangle out the window, listening to the rush of chill wind outside and the sound of Phil breathing near me. He slept in his own bed after Tavy found us one day, but we would cuddle in the evenings. I liked to spend some nights alone however; the silence made it easier to think.

After some time I swung my legs back into the room and walked back to my bed, pulling my jumper off before climbing under the duvet. Tiredness hadn't yet visited, but the next day we had to go outside early to the field behind the property for what was required of sports for the week so I figured sleep would be the a wise choice. I'd asked Chris if he could teach me how to play football earlier, he'd said he'd give it a go and I'm not afraid to admit I was quite excited. I yawned sleepily minutes later-no longer did this feeling make me uneasy for I had not had a nightmare in a long time. I don't remember when I fell asleep.

"Up and at 'em boys!" Tavy was in and out of our room like a light, waking us up.

"It's seven o'clock!" PJ cried, rolling over and burying his head in his pillow.

"I'm not moving." Chris announced. I grumbled for them to shut up as I let my eyelids close again. Seconds later I felt a massive warm body hurling itself on me.

"What the hell?!" I screamed as Phil hit my bed and began tickling me. He giggled and kissed my forehead, looking at me with a dreadfully adorable smile. I tried to remain with my disgruntled expression.

"Morning sleepy head." He cooed. I scowled before noticing nobody was around.

"Where is everybody?" I sat up, pushing him back.

"Chris and PJ just went down for breakfast, get up! Also wear sports clothes." He said the last bit with distain. I frowned, looking at his attire.

"This should be interesting." I rolled my eyes and slid out of bed.

* * *

Phil was frustrated and exhausted half an hour into our football game. I found myself loving it, along with Chris, but Phil couldn't get the hang of it quite as easily.

"This is a stupid game!" he cried, kicking the grass angrily, "I want to go back."

"Come on Phil! It's fun if you know what you're doing." PJ chipped in, knocking the ball from knee to knee expertly.

"I hate it!" Phil whined, walking over to me, "Dan can we go back?"

"Tavy wants us to be out until 9 actually, so nope. But you're welcome to sit and watch on the side." I kissed him on the cheek, "It's just another 45 minutes."

"Can't you come sit with me?"

"I want to play, but I could teach you how!" I offered. He made a face.

"Come on." I grabbed his hand and dragged him into the field, "Kick the ball with the side of your foot." It was right in front of him as he gave it a small kick.

"Okay, see it went a few feet. Next time try harder, and when you dribble it alternate between your feet. Remember to breathe as you run, okay?" I instructed as he stared at me.

"Uh, okay." He made a small worried noise but did as I said, putting up a valiant effort. I watched him run and was amazed. Just the way he put his whole heart into it and the way his tongue stuck out ever so slightly in concentration just like when he laughed. His hair was plastered to his forehead and his knees were coated in grass stains but eventually he started to enjoy it.

"Go Phil!" I chuckled from the sideline as he finally made a goal. He grinned and shot me a thumbs-up.

"It's two weeks into October." PJ said as he fiddled a water bottle beside me on the grass.

"So?" I didn't look at him, my eyes focused on our boyfriends kicking around a ball.

"So you've got three weeks." PJ said, the most caring I had ever heard him speak to me.

"And you care?"

"I'm not a dick, I just like keeping to myself, okay?" He let out a frustrated sigh, "I think the reason I fell for Chris was because he's the first one that ignored my general 'leave me alone' vibe." He made the air quotes with his hands.

"I knew you were an introvert, so I tried to leave you alone. I didn't mean to be mean." I shrugged, glancing over at him.

"I know. And this isn't about that really I just wanted to say I know you're upset he's going to leave. And Chris told me he's going to kill Phil for breaking your heart."

"He did?" I started, "I'll be fine, and we're going to stay together."

"Also…" PJ paused, "You can't tell anybody I told you this, promise?"

I hesitated, my breath catching, "You can tell me, I promise."

"Chris said he talked to Phil and Phil said he's going to break up with you before he leaves."

Immediately my heart stuck in my throat, tears making my eyes sting. I couldn't breathe and I felt sick.

"That's a cruel joke." I sputtered, trying to make him unaware how badly that had affected me.

"Don't you wish it was a joke." PJ chuckled humourlessly, "And that's exactly why I'm going to kill him too."

I swallowed roughly and nodded to him, "I'll be right back." He didn't say anything as I walked towards Phil.

"Hey Dan! Check this out!" Phil grinned widely as he knocked the ball from one knee to the other before it fell.

"Cool." I said, my voice a lot less enthusiastic than I planned.

"Are you okay?" Chris said as Phil's face went concerned.

"Yeah, just dandy!" I said, sarcasm draining my already tired voice. Chris cringed before taking off towards PJ.

"Hey, what's up?" Phil dropped the ball and grabbed my hand.

"You don't want to stay together, do you." I mumbled. He clenched his hand tighter.

"No, no of course I do! What made you think that?" His voice was strained with worry.

"What did you tell Chris?" I looked into his eyes, ignoring his words.

"I might have- I might have mentioned it might have been a better idea but I – I never even really considered it!" He was tripping over his words.

"I want to believe you but after what PJ said-"

"I've not told PJ anything!" Phil cut me off.

"He got it from Chris, and he said you wanted to break up with me?" I probably sounded mad.

"Well I did say maybe I would talk to you about that, I wouldn't go break up with you without telling!" Phil stressed, his voice higher than normal.

"So it's plausible?" I choked.

"Dan…" He sighed, "It's going to be hard only hearing from each other from letters and I'd rather end this in person in case you find somebody else. But not now, not until we have to."

And then it occurred to me I was in denial of this even happening, arguing selfishly in a field wearing grass stained clothes under 38 (100f) degree sun and then everything just crashed down on my shoulders. I felt myself fight it as he wrapped his arms around me.

"I don't want you to go." I whimpered into his chest.

"It's going to be okay, I promise." He held me tighter.

Oh, wouldn't promises be so much better if they couldn't be broken?


	8. Halloween and Goodnights

They say in small towns everybody knows everybody and most people never leave. You lived and you died and everybody you knew was right beside you the entire time. I was little when I was dropped here; I barely remembered it at all actually. The nightmares were something of my subconscious, perhaps filling the void of uncertainty I'd always felt, not only about my past life but also about myself. A strange, twisted loneliness that had nothing to do with how many people were around, the kind of loneliness the darkness of the night spills into your mind, the kind that makes you sick to your stomach.

Phil saved me from that. He gave me a promise, reason, even hope I'd never had before. The minute he told me he wanted to escape to America I should have been fighting for it too, but now it was too late. And I hadn't even begun to accept that.

Halloween was a week before, a somewhat nice break from the ordinary days. Chris was sat on the floor drawing out a design on felt for his outfit, while Phil was digging through the costume chest Tavy brought up with PJ.

"Check this out." Phil grinned as he held up a werewolf mask.

"Hot." I joked, pulling a stocking over my head.

"Hey I can just wear jeans with it and a brown shirt and be a werewolf!" Phil pressed.

"You'd make a cute werewolf." I paused, "Can I be a vampire?"

"Don't go crazy now on us please." PJ chuckled.

The next hour was spent using minimal materials to create costumes, and eventually everyone had one. Phil grinned from behind his brown face paint and the strands of dark yarn he had weaved in his hair.

"Rawr!" He clawed at the air, leaping on his bed. I smirked and smiled, showing my plastic teeth I'd found in the chest.

"Come save me vampire prince!" Phil fell back, dramatically reaching into the air. I ran, letting my felt cape blow behind me, before pouncing on top of him. He giggled and I felt my heart flutter as he ran his fingers through my hair and brought our lips together.

"Thank you Dan." He whispered, our highly decorated faces centimeters away from each other.

"The pleasure was all mine, werewolf prince." I breathed. We looked into each other's eyes for a moment before I slid off the bed and offered a hand to Phil.

"So when will we leave?" Chris said after an awkward throat clear. Phil and I blushed.

"In about ten minutes!" Tavy burst in, "You boys look frighteningly fabulous!"

"Thanks Mrs. Tavy!" PJ grinned and picked up a face paint stick, "Your turn!"

We all chuckled as Tavy's eyes grew wide. By the time we were all rushing out the door Tavy had a lovely array of colours on her face.

"You need to stay together, and you all need to be back by ten!" Tavy instructed as we reached the street the house was on. "Go on now, have fun. You don't get to go to many parties at this age."

We all walked a bit nervously, the girls trailing, to the big house. All the boarding houses and children's homes came together for the Halloween party, par normal. I fidgeted my fingers a bit, even after all these years still nervous to interact with new people, especially dressed like a vampire. Chris had friends outside of Saint Peter's, and sometimes it seemed at this party he forgot I existed. Normally I stayed to myself, but as a warm hand took mine I remembered that for the first time I wasn't alone.

"Hey, are you nervous?" Phil cocked his head and stared at me with big blue eyes.

"Nope," I lied, "are you?"

"No way, I'm excited. After only seeing four people regularly for a few months it'll feel nice to talk to others."

"You're not tired of me, are you?" I cursed my worry.

"Not in a million years." He grinned and squeezed my hand. We caught up to the rest and entered. The ball room was massive, a chandelier wearing a skirt of diamonds dangled from the ceiling, masked with intricate artwork. The large pillars measuring the length from the ceiling to the floor had black ribbon wrapped around them, and a long table off to the side had a large caldron of punch, accompanied by ghoul and ghost cookies. I heard Phil audibly gasp.

"Impressed?" I grinned as he nodded. I suddenly realized he wasn't staring at the decorations at all, instead at the gathering of girls in very interesting costumes, for lack of a better word.

"Those are the rare and mysterious girls; they are sometimes mentioned in books." I joked.

"I feel ridiculous." He murmured. I realized how out of place we looked, all the other males in black clothes or very subtle costumes.

"Sorry we didn't tell you guys. Word got around it was more formal, we thought I'd be funnier to see you squirm." Chris walked up behind us and put his elbows on our shoulders. We spun around and saw both him and PJ were wearing button down white shirts and slacks, their costumes gone.

"You're wearing church clothes?" Phil spoke. He sounded hurt.

"C'est la vie, Phil." PJ laughed and left us. I couldn't speak. Humiliation flooded my veins and I felt the heat rush to my face.

"Dan. Can we leave?" Phil said very, very softly. I wanted to cry.

"I- I'm sorry." I stuttered.

"Don't be sorry. Let's just go." He sighed in frustration and started towards the door. I was almost at a run to keep up with him as he headed for the exit. He'd only slowed once we hit the cool dusk air of the night. He pressed his back to the building and slid down, burying his face in his hands. I followed suit and leaned against him.

"Dicks, they are." He muttered, his voice stained with the lump in his throat. He wiped at his face, clawing at the yarn hopelessly.

"It was just a joke." I sighed.

"Then why aren't we laughing Dan."

"Whatever. Let's just go back in. Nobody even cares. It's cold out here."

"I don't want to." He grumped.

"Well then have fun freezing." I said, irritation leaking in with the cold. He looked up at me as I stood.

"Dan…" His voice broke and immediately any trace of anger disappeared.

"I'm sorry. Please let's just go inside." I pleaded, reaching out a hand. He hesitated but brought himself to his feet.

"You know I'd never actually leave you. Especially not in the cold." I gave a half-smile and grabbed his hand. He smiled and held it tightly.

"I love you."

I froze for an instant, my mind spinning in a symphony of dips and twirls. My heart seemed to pull every which way as my mind tried to conduct a single sentence to say just how I felt at that moment. Suddenly it occurred to me that those three words were far too overused as right now they were the only three which could sum up my feelings. And so without a doubt in my mind I couldn't stop the tremendous smile and the words that followed .

"I love you too."

"Now shall we return?" He said a beat later, hiding whatever emotions were taking over his brain much better than I was. I blushed thoroughly and took his arm, letting my werewolf prince lead me back into the kingdom of mortals.

* * *

That night was magical in a way I don't think I would have ever discovered without the existence of Phil. We danced and laughed and never noticed the time passing. I fell asleep in his arms on the way home; the warmth as good as any bed. When we got home Chris and PJ went straight to bed, as did most of the girls, but Phil and I wanted a shower to rid ourselves of the makeup caked on our faces. It wasn't really ever a question if we would share a shower. In the sleepy state of bliss we were both immersed in, showering alone just seemed a bit foreign.

His warm, soft kisses on my neck under the hot water made shivers ripple through me, despite how comforting it all was. It was odd knowing I wouldn't regret something while it was happening, but I somehow felt it deep down that nothing I ever did with Phil could lay guilt on my conscious. And somehow the tender press of his lips against mine turned into so much more. And that night became so much more, because in the end this was bigger than me, bigger than him, bigger than both of us. And instead of trying to understand it we let it wash through us like rain, and we found we could breathe as one. And it filled me with so much bliss I thought for sure the missing part of me would somehow be whole again. Maybe I was right.

On November 1st it finally sunk in. Phil was leaving, and there was nothing we could do to stop it. I spent way too much time crying that night, thinking of a million ways to spend our last week. It's like he was dying. It felt like it.

Chris and PJ kept their space after Halloween- the absence of noise in the evenings foreshadowing and melancholy. PJ would play his ukulele a lot, sometimes at night we would hear the most forlorn sound anyone had ever heard from the thing.

In a way it affected everyone a little. Chris simply claimed he was jealous of Phil's 'adventure', and PJ would jump onto that, saying he'd miss Phil. I refused to talk about it, not until Friday, two days before he would leave.

We were sitting under the tree as we had for months, his head on my lap as I looked at his eyes trail over the pages of his book, my fingers entwining in his hair. He'd stopped lessons here, and my marks had dropped in response, but I didn't mind. We went outside so I could study and he could read, but it was more enticing to watch him.

"You're not studying." He smirked, his eyes not leaving the page.

"Maybe."

"You nutcase." He sat up, "I love you, weirdo."

"I love you too." It was automatic now, but every time it gave me butterflies.

"I'm going to go ask PJ a question." He stood up and I felt my heart constrict.

"Don't leave." I couldn't stop myself from saying. He chuckled.

"It'll just be two seconds, this chapter is confusing." He ruffled my hair.

"I meant ever." I barely breathed, the lump in my throat returning. His eyes grew wide and he sat beside me, wrapping his arms around me.

"Dan. Dan, dan, dan, dan. Dan." He repeated my name over and over. I silently cried on his shoulder, letting all defenses down.

"It's going to be okay. I promise." He finally whispered, drying my tears with his fingers. I latched onto his hand. I wanted to believe him.

It had seemed Phil and I had known each other for such a long time and yet such a short time, the memories etched into my mind. The very last night I wrapped my arms around him and cried, cried harder than I have ever cried in my entire life. I felt his chin on my shoulder and the warm trace of tears on my back as I tried to hold this moment forever. We were outside in the courtyard for the last time, but the sky was dark. Clouds hid the moon and thunder echoed through the sorrow hanging in the atmosphere.

"I've never had anyone like you." Phil spoke softly, his words choked, "I don't want to go." And then tears began to fall once more down his pale cheeks, his face close enough in the darkness to where I could see every feature.

"Please don't leave me." I broke down, knowing my request could never be granted, for it was too late. I was too late.

"I'm so, so sorry." He said so quietly I barely caught it at all.

People say love is a funny thing; it leaves you worse off but a better person. I never meant to fall in love. But then again, who does. We fell asleep in each other's arms that night, the rain pouring on the roof and drowning out my dreams. I was grateful.


	9. Farewells and Last Things

I awoke with the sun, the room flooded in a soft light. Phil had his arm draped around my waist as he breathed deeply. Chris and PJ were sound asleep, and from across the room Phil's bed lay untouched. I shifted a little, my eyes examining Phil. They trailed to where his pajama shirt had been pulled up, his hips exposed. I smiled a little and pulled my pocket watch off the side table, the light glinting off of it and forming a spot on the opposite wall. Half eight. Tavy was letting us sleep in, which she never does, and that was just terrifying. Phil had to go to the train station at noon, but I wanted more time with him.

I pressed my lips to his forehead. His whole body shifted before he blinked into the bright room and looked at me. The corners of his lips turned up.

"Morning Dan." He barely murmured, his eyes sparkling.

"Hi bear." I whispered.

"It is later than normal?" He sat up and I moved over a little, "it's too bright."

"Yeah… we've only got a few hours-" He cut me off with a kiss. It was unexpected, but instead of pulling back I kissed him harder.

His hands wrapped around my waist and I moved closer, my hands moving behind his neck. He smiled into the kiss before pulling back a centimeter.

"I love you." Phil sighed sleepily. My heart fluttered.

"You're leaving today." I frowned.

"I don't want to think about it."

"Okay. Then let's not." I murmured, pressing my lips to his before sliding out of bed and taking his hand, half-dragging a very sleepy Phil to the showers.

We walked back at the same time twenty minutes later, holding hands with towels around our waists.

"So, what do we do for three hours?" Phil collapsed on his own bed, waking PJ up.

"What would you like to do?" I pulled on a shirt. Phil did the same.

"We could go for a walk down to the ice cream shop." Chris yawned from his bed, jumping into the conversation.

"This early?" PJ spoke up.

"Ice cream for breakfast and you're complaining?" I chuckled, sliding on trousers before going and sitting on the end of Phil's bed. Phil finished dressing and joined me.

"Boys?" Tavy's voice sounded from outside the door, "Are you all up?"

"Yes mam." We all replied in unison. She creaked the door open and walked in, her eyes immediately darting to Phil.

"How are you all doing?" She said, the smile on her face not quite big enough.

"Okay." Phil murmured, sitting up, "Tavy can we go to the ice cream shop?"

"Don't you want a proper breakfast?" Tavy's voice normalized, making all of us calmer.

"I'm not really hungry." Phil murmured.

"Well I suppose as a treat that'd be alright. Chris, PJ, get ready boys and make sure you all have coats." Tavy left and he room swayed with silence for a minute, begging somebody to speak.

"Cool." PJ finally said, getting out of bed and walking out of the room.

"I guess you should pack too." I feigned a smile.

"Yeah." Phil looked over at me with sad eyes, "It shouldn't be that hard."

By the time Chris and PJ were ready Phil's bed had been stripped and all his clothes were packed away into his trunk. A few things littered the bedside table, but we ignored them, focusing on the big things.

"Come on guys, you have ages for that." Chris urged us. We agreed and followed our friends out, grabbing our jackets off the coat rack as we did so. I accidentally grabbed Phil's but didn't bother swapping with him.

The walk was short and silent, one of my hands tucked in my right pocket, and the other holding Phil's.

We'd gone to Zina's ice cream shop a load of times, but this time it was deserted. The small silver bell tied to the door jingled as we entered, the lone cashier looking surprised. As they sold coffee and tea too they were open this early, but not many people came in.

"Welcome to Zina's!" She smiled, recognizing the four of us.

"Hi. We've decided ice cream for breakfast seemed appropriate today. Phil's leaving for America." Chris nodded towards Phil.

"How exciting! I've always wanted to go to America." She beamed, unaware of how it was tearing me apart.

"Yeah, we'll miss him." PJ nudged him.

"So what will you have today?" The lady spoke, pushing the ice cream menu a bit forward.

I got chocolate mix, Phil got vanilla, PJ got maple pecan, and Chris got the 'green one'. Chris and Peej sat at their own table, so Phil and I sat at the table behind them. I grimaced at my ice cream.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked quietly.

"I'm okay. I just don't want you to go." I sighed.

"I don't want to leave you, but America sounds so exciting." I noticed a hint of something in his voice and suddenly guilt bled through me. I'd been thinking of this as a bad thing, but he was excited.

"I'm sure it will be amazing." I paused, "tell me how New York is while you're there."

"I'm sure it's as amazing as it seems in all the books…" Phil loved books, "Newsies and stray dogs and actors roaming the streets and-" He stopped, wonder sparkling in his eyes, "I'm sorry."

"No, I love that you're excited." I lied, "You should be. You've been dying for this forever."

"You kind of got in the way, you know, love wasn't something I expected."

"I didn't either. And now you're leaving." As I said the words I lost my composure, my entire face crumpling.

"Dan- Dan please it's going to be okay." He whispered, reaching out a hand and running it over the curve of my face, I tried to fight the tears.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, "I'm just going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too."

We left the ice cream shop about half an hour later, the sky a dark shade of grey as we returned.

* * *

At ten o'clock it began to rain. Despite the cold and the wet I went to the back door and just stood there, staring at the sky. I didn't move when I felt arms wrap around me.

"Are you okay?" He whispered.

"You're going to keep asking that, and they answer isn't going to change."

"I'm sorry."

"Care to dance?" I said, the sound of rain peaceful.

"I've never danced in the rain."

"Now's your chance then." I grabbed his hand and pulled him outside, laughing as he tried not to step in puddles. Our fluffy jackets kept us warm, but as we twirled around ungracefully our hair accumulated water. I laughed and kissed a raindrop off his nose.

He was wearing a long black coat with a cute little collar that I adored, and I was stuck with this brown coat I'd had for years. He didn't mind.

We spent half an hour outside, making the gloomy sky so beautiful in our eyes. The rain poured but we laughed, hand in hand. The courtyard became our ballroom, our rainy day wear our tuxedos. I often imagined spending the rest of my life with him, waking up next to him every day. I didn't want to believe that was no longer an option. I never wanted to believe that. Maybe it still was, after all.

I couldn't tell what was going on in his mind behind those big blue eyes, but I was sure it was excitement and fear. Mine just held sadness.

Yesterday seemed to hold more of a melancholy feel, today simply executing what we had been waiting for all along. I only had two hours left with him, which made every inch of me ache. I pushed it to the back of my mind.

When we walked in we were shivering, our clothing soaked and our faces red. Tavy put her hands on her hips and gave us a disapproving look, a rag in her hand. She told us to go change and that Chris and PJ went to go drop off some mail, giving us time alone. We murmured our apology and grabbed hands, darting up the stairs. We laughed as we took our clothes off each other, somehow ending with both of us in our boxers and I pressed against the wall, his lips on mine.

"I love you." I said between kisses.  
"I love you too." He always replied.

We didn't speak for another few minutes, not until we heard the door downstairs open. We rushed to pull on dry clothes, giggling when our friends returned and saw our messed up hair and blushing faces.

"Nope!" Chris grinned, cutting Phil off when the latter opened his mouth to explain.

"Thanks for leaving us alone." I smirked, playing it off as having done more than we actually had.

"We more meant it as time for goodbye, but whatever." PJ chuckled. My heart flip flopped. Goodbye.

"Well we've still got two hours."

"Uh love it's eleven already. We've got to leave soon." Phil corrected. I couldn't breathe for a minute.

"Are you guys coming to the train station with us?" I turned towards Chris.

"Of course. I'm not ready to say goodbye either." Chris nodded.

"Oh good." My tone was unnaturally high, hiding the pain of the inescapable goodbye.

I didn't leave Phil's side as he gathered up the rest of his things. I even felt too far just a bed length's away as I helped him strip the bed.

Tavy came up to double check he had all of his stuff and Mr. Darby helped us load it into the car. Phil lingered in the room.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked, grabbing his hand.

He hesitated, looking around once more.

"It's like the day I arrived." He said, "And nothing's changed."

He was wrong of course. He'd changed this room forever, and everyone living in it.

"Goodbye old room. I enjoyed my stay very much." He finished, giving the walls one last nod before walking out with me. I didn't miss the last glace he stole as we descended the stairs.

The ride there was interesting. Mr. Darby and Tavy in the front, laughing about the good times they had had with Phil there, talking about the weather. PJ and Chris silently sat beside Phil and I, talking through their eyes. Phil snuggled into me as I pet his hair softly. Neither of us moved until we reached the train station.

"All out boys!" Tavy commanded. We obeyed, walking silently with Phil and me carrying baggage. Mr. Darby bid Phil goodbye and stayed in the car.

"So you'll be on this train for four hours, and then on the next train for two, and then you'll board the boat. After 16 hours you'll be in America!" Tavy explained, handing Phil a little pouch with tickets and a timetable. He thanked her as we found a nice bench near the track and set his stuff down.

"Alright, we have ten minutes." Phil checked his watch. I shuddered.

"It was fun having you Phil." Chris smiled and hugged him.

We chuckled about the nights we stayed up and the days we spent together. I fiddled with my necklace he gave me and tried not to cry.

Minutes passed like hours, each tick of the watch in my pocket bringing us closer to the inevitable.

"I'll write to you all, tell you about America." Phil was saying. I hung to every word.

"That sounds amazing. I bet it's the best place in the world." PJ mused, his heart of a traveler jealous.

"And don't forget us, okay?" Chris added in.

"I couldn't ever forget my best friends!" Phil exclaimed.

"And we could never forget you." I said, and the other two agreed quickly.

Suddenly a faint whistle blew in the distance, signaling the train. My heart dropped like fire and my heart sped up, begging the train to never arrive.

"That sounds like the train, say goodbye boys." Tavy's voice cracked a little as she skipped forward and hugged Phil tightly, "Stay safe Philip, and have a happy holiday, alright?" She pulled away, blotting her eyes with a handkerchief.

"Thank you Ms. Tavy. For everything." He smiled before turning to Chris and PJ.

"Goodbye guys. You were the best friends I could have asked for." He smiled but his voice was a little choked up. They both said goodbye with sad smiles. PJ took a step forward and hugged Phil, the first time I'd seen him hug anyone other than Chris willingly. When they parted even Peej's eyes were glistening. Finally Phil turned to me.

"Dan," He paused, "I love you. A lot. And this doesn't happen much in a lifetime, I know that. So I want to promise you something, but you've got to promise it too." His words were a bit rushed.

"Okay." My heart raced.

"Dan, when we turn eighteen I'm coming back for you." He was in tears, but somehow his words were as eloquent as ever. "I want you to promise to wait for me, if you want to."

I couldn't hear myself think, I couldn't even breathe. The sound of the train approaching as its wheels squealed to a stop echoed through the station.

"Phil Lester, I would wait until eternity for you." I heard my voice crack.

"Then one last thing, Dan Howell, will you marry me?"


End file.
